Sometimes I lay awake in the wee, silent hours of the morning, before the sun light even dreams of kissing the horizon. The dog on one side, quietly breathing. Your dad on the other side, snoring a little. I lay awake just counting your movements. Feeling you move inside of me, conscious of my aching hips and the cool air from the open window.
Each little quickening makes me wonder, are you excited to be born?
It was just me, once. Early pink light streaming across my face each morning. I leapt each day into dreams of new travels, setting a new course every so often. Then there was the golden dog, suddenly sprawling across my feet each night and I’d wake to her warmth against my back. We had our own adventures, and I planned to take her with me across the ocean–it was just a matter of time.
Then there was him. Your dad–who stayed up late staring at the stars and dreaming about crossing the expanse of space. I stayed up with him watching the last pools of light drip from the sky as stars winked into existence. We dreamed and planned ocean journeys and green growing things and I knew there was room in my adventure for him(and his cat too).
And so sunrise would come in pink and gold, touching our faces as we gently stirred each morning, waking up face to face. There is a peaceful movement in our life that I have fallen in love with. A quieter, slower movement than I ever thought I could be happy with. A slow practice of living deliberately that means so much to me now.
Then there was you, taking form first in our hearts and then in my womb and the light coming through the bedroom curtains seems fuzzy now, out of focus. I don’t know what to do anymore, or what to plan. Are you excited to be born? Will I do all of you justice? Will the golden dog still feel her place in my life, will I be able to cope with my swiftly changing identity and keep him safe and comforted? Will I be able to hold you, love you as you deserve to be loved?
Are you excited to be alive? To meet us?
We’re waiting for you, a little apprehensive, but full of love.